To be blunt, dating in this day can be a total mind fuck. We have “Rules”, “Games”, not speaking our thoughts or showing our real feelings. With all the dating apps and looking for someone in bars, it’s really easy to find someone to sleep with, but not to be in a relationship with. Then due to the fact that we are not honest and played games at the start, you see couples who don’t know how to communicate. Who “keep score” and try to be the one in charge, meaning you are not a team and are producing a toxic relationship.
I’ve been single three years. Mostly by choice. When I think back to my last relationship and the way I acted, I feel sick to my stomach. I abandoned myself, my needs, my wants and desires all to try make someone like me. I don’t know if you have ever heard of the term “Gas-lighting”. It is a term used to describe how a person can manipulate someone by psychological means into doubting their own sanity. That was the nature of my relationship. I was always in the wrong, my energy was bad, I had to leave our place so he could have his “alone time”. I stayed at my Mothers at the weekends and the odd hotel here and there because I wasn’t “good enough to be around”.
It is mental to look back on. Some things that were said to me.
- “Don’t ask me to do anything you can do yourself, you put pressure on me to have to do something and I’ll feel bad if I don’t, I shouldn’t have to do anything”, All I asked for was a cup of tea.
- “There is no need to send me more than one text, I clearly got the first one and if I don’t reply, I don’t want to talk to you”. I was simply checking in 2 days after arriving at my Mothers.
- “I need my me time, leave”.
- “You are weak, pathetic and needy”.
Well you know what, he got the last one right. I was all those things because with treatment like that, I didn’t leave. Instead I believed it all. Became a shell of a woman. Doubted everything about myself and hated who I was. Exactly as I did in school and college where I ran around trying to make everyone like me. The universe kept sending me all these shitty people so I would learn to stick up for myself but I wasn’t getting it. Eventually he texted to break up with me (Smooth dude, clearly a catch!) I thought it was the worst day of my life, it was actually the best. I hit rock bottom and there was no one there to pick me up but myself. No one could do it for me anyway.
I’ve spent the last three years working on myself. I figured I can’t attract a good partner unless I become someone who would be a good partner in return. We attract what we are after all. I’ve done a pretty good job. Recently I started dating. You know the way the start goes, you spend extra time together to get to know each other. You leave a few tasks and responsibilities slide, then comes a natural point where you go back and become two individuals again doing your own thing, meeting up when you are both free. Well damn, didn’t it bring back feelings of “I need my me time, leave”. Three years of self work and I felt like an eggshell getting cracked. All that work for nothing I thought. I’ve spent the last three days with my head down. Feeling lesser, then about an hour ago (Right before I started to write this post) It clicked with me that I had reverted back to that shell of a woman. God I must have been miserable company the last few days. Those three years brought this awareness around quickly to me. That is everything, not nothing. Now I can move forward in to this new charted ground where things can only get better.
You can’t make anyone like you. You can’t change them and trust me, you don’t want to lose yourself. Remember everything you have to offer. Don’t hide. Be clumsy. Cry at movies, snort when you laugh, if you are particular about something, be particular. If this person doesn’t accept you for who you are, they are not the person you are meant to be with. They are the person you learn something from and then move on. So I’m going back to being me. The perfectly flawed human that I am and I am not going to worry. You know why? because I’ve been alone. I’ve learned to love myself and my own company. If dating doesn’t workout straight away. I’ll be okay 🙂