Learning to live alone.

Learning to live alone was one of the most rewarding things I have ever done in my life. I moved into an apartment with my then partner, It didn’t work out and next thing I found myself living alone totally unprepared for what lay before me. My relationship was not a healthy one, infact it was extremely toxic. At the time I had just quit my job because I was no longer happy with the work envirnoment. I had no job, no friends, my family lived miles away, but I did have my cat Oscar. The beginning was extremely difficult, I had always carried feelings of being unwatned and unloved around with me since childhood. Here I was alone after a break-up of all things. I cried a lot. There were day’s I wouldn’t have left the house if it wasn’t for letting Oscar in / out or going to the store to buy him food. I went to counselling once a week and after several weeks, I found a new job.

The new job was in sales, it got me out of the apartment and interacting with people. I quickly became great friends with the girls I worked with and we are all still best friends as of this day. My days got brighter but I would still dread having to go home. That apartment seemed too big for me to be able to fill it with love and happiness on my own. The thing I found most difficult was having dinner. For me, dinner had always been where family gathered to eat together and share what was going on in their life. I wasn’t used to cooking for only one person. I spent a few months getting takeaway or oven food and eating it in bed as I watched The Big Bang Theory on repeat. I love that show for several reasons. 1. It makes me laugh. 2. It shows true friendship and the way it is meant to be. 3. One can learn a great deal about solid connection and true love from Sheldon and Amy’s relationship. All things I then needed help figuring out. This lasted several months until I got comfortable with where my life was up until that point. Then I knew the next step was to learn to cook for one and eat it at the kitchen table.

It was at this time that I first came across Shane Dawson and Trisha Paytas on Youtube. Shane is known for his crazy side but has inspiring videos talking about being over 300lbs, losing weight and getting skin removal. He talks about his Father walking out on the family, his eating disorder, depression and coming out as bisexual. Shane gave me more confidence to accept who I am. Trisha was trending with Mukbang’s at the time and as silly as it sounds, I would sit down at the table with my laptop and eat my dinner while watching her eat. It was a stepping stone to eating alone at the table. I wish I could thank The Big Bang Theory cast, Shane & Trisha for all their help when I needed people the most. This is best thing about technology, we can help others change their lives for the better without even knowing it. As you read this you may think I’m crazy, but this was exactly what I needed. Motivation, laughter and the feeling of not being alone. Okay it came from the laptop, but when you don’t have friends, where else can you get it from? And when you do have friends, people by default can be judgemental even when they don’t mean to be. This allowed me the freedom to discover who I am.

By now I had my routine going. I had work, Oscar to look after, I was able to cook and enjoy meals. I started to look forward to coming home. Being in sales meant I had human interaction all day and when I got home I could swtich off. I started to enjoy my own company and realised that I had always enjoyed my own company but I would surround myself with people, not because I didn’t want to be alone, but I was afraid that if someone wasn’t with me, it would mean that nobody liked me because I was unloveable. Therefore I never took me time. Now I know that it is better to be alone than to be in the company of those who do not make you happy. Someone you can’t be 100% yourself around. If you feel like you must act in a certain way for someone to like you, because you are scared to be alone, trust me, your own company will always be far greater than theirs.

Learning to live alone is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. What you discover about who you are will improve your life forever. You will learn your own value. Your short comings. What kind of relationships you want to have. Friends and a Partner will only be there because they add value to your life. You wont be afraid about losing anyone because you know you are perfectly fine alone. This gives you freedom to be who you truly are. Who you are, is truly worth being. xxx 


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