I need to be honest with myself. I am never going to have a healthy relationship with food. I have struggled with food from the age of eight. Anything from emotional eating binge eating, depriving myself to self sabotage if a meal plan actually starts to work. I abuse food all the time.
I’ve given myself free range of all foods over the last few months because I had been so strict and ridged, I was afraid my eating disorder might come back. All I have done is eat myself into misery. Yesterday my friend pointed out that he noticed I had been eating more in private. I got a fright and didn’t know how to respond. I felt vulnerable and a little scared. So what did I do? I ate so much that I purged. It was the first time in four years. Before I started bingeing recently I had been back restricting calories to 1000 or less. This binge was bound to happen.
I keep fighting to get my old body back, and I want it back overnight. Which is insane because its taking three years to get out of shape, it wont take three years to get back, but it will take months. I was training two hours a day, six days a week eating clean vegan food. Now all I do is yoga and binge on pizza. The reality is, I should be thankful I have such a wonderful metabolism because form what I eat, I could easily weigh an extra 40lbs.
I’m going to start off very basic and focus on eating healthy foods, forgetting about calories, fats, carbs and protein. Simply make the food healthy. I need to go cold turkey on some foods. It is painfully obvious that I can not do them in moderation. Wether you look at avoiding food as a lack of control, or allowing yourself to have some but then that turns into a binge, that is also a lack of control. I’d rather choose the option that has me looking better and in turn my health is better also.
I’ve learned accept my quirks, my little OCD habits, silly things I find funny, my little emotional empathetic ways.Now I need to accept where I am in life when it comes to food and exercise.. I am no longer going to try to get my old body back. I want to create a new one. The last one was built on punishment and fear of food. This one will be built on reality of life and who I am.