Do you ever sit alone in your bedroom and just cry.. Sometimes it is at night when you are alone, sometimes it’s in the morning when you need to cry and get the hurt out before you can slap on your happy face and show a mask to the world..
All my life I have worn that Happy Mask.. I would always be “okay” because I felt like it was selfish or negative of me to say “life is a bit rough right now, but I’m getting through it”.. From a very early age, a lot of us learn to smile to make others smile. To look after their needs so they will like us, because we do not like ourselves. Emotionally Healthy people decided to have a child as an expression of their love, and to love that child unconditionally. Sadly that is not the environment most children are born into. We are band-aid babies, to try fix rocky relationships, to give the love that one parent feels is lacking from their partner, or a parent has an expectation of the child, the child will serve their ego. Whatever the reason may be, the child did not receive unconditional love, and the child learns how to act to please their parent(s) and that is how we learn to wear a happy mask..
I have reached a stage in my life where I strongly reject that mask. I am now an open book. I have told people I do not want to meet up because I am taking the day to myself with no guilt like “I should meet up because THEY want to”, when I’d just be sitting there and wanting to leave, they would feel that off me. I don’t lie or make excuses any more and it is so freeing..
The happy mask is off, as I’m not ashamed to say; “I crave to believe in myself”. Every day I accept who I am more and more. Since I never believed in myself, I find it hard to distinguish between being arrogant and having self belief. I don’t want to be the only thing holding myself back!.. I love my blog / YouTube channel, and expressing myself. Discussing my life’s journey as I try to make since of it all. It is good to share, you never know who is reading and what you wrote might help them feel less alone in this world.
Any-time I give myself credit, this little voice pops up “oh you think you are great do you? Do you really think you can make a living out of your blog/vlog and fitness. All those other people can because they are better than you, you are not good enough to be like them”.. I hate that voice. What makes me different to any body else? We are all equal. We are all whole, creative and loveable. I need to learn that it is okay to believe in myself. I believe I am more afraid of succeeding than I am of failing, because then what? I have to give myself a compliment. After all the years of self-hate. I must forgive myself.