Are you killing yourself slowly?

I have slowly been killing myself over the last ten months. Working a job that although I liked elements, it has more negative than positive. I was training like crazy for a body building competition. From the minute I woke up till the minute I went to bed I stressed over the thoughts of “did I train enough, what did I eat, was that okay to eat, how do I make it better, how do I become better?”. I even dropped my vegan ways because “you need to eat meat, eggs and dairy to win”, and I want to win to honour my friends life so I did it. Feeling horrible eating every meal. My whole life was full of me doing things that did not make me happy. They did not honour who I am.  Finally I had a night of misery, where I hated myself and life. It brought back memories from all the years of self-hatred I had. I fought for five years to overcome all that and I went “Hell No! I’m not going back there”, so I quit everything!.

Talking to myself I said: Don’t like your job? Leave. Give self-employment  go, you are qualified in several area’s, go for it! Don’t like eating flesh? STOP! I have. I made dinners with the last of the flesh for my friends and myself to honour the animal and not throw it out with the suffering being for nothing. I have tubs of whey protein left, so for now I am vegetarian and when they are gone, I’ll be back to veganism 🙂 It may take longer for me to gain muscle, but I will still gain it!. Now for competing. I fought this one. Not competing would make me feel like a failure. My coach however said she was afraid that if I competed and did not win, it would really effect me emotionally. I knew she was right but I am THE most stubborn woman you’ll ever meet. She said she wouldn’t train me for comp, I had actually said bye to her and that I’d train myself even though I wouldn’t like to do this journey without her. Within 24-hours I saw where she was coming from. I do not want to go through that whole experience and be miserable. Wanting to get it over and done with. Hating myself if I did not place first. I want it to be exciting. Empowering. I want to enjoy every moment and simply be happy to be on stage. Until I reach that place, I am not going to compete. We are back training together now. Training for fun. To learn, laugh and grow. When the time is right, I hope she will be my coach for competing. Only time will tell.

I have no idea where my life is going. All I know is that I let go of everything that was not making me happy. The room is now there for positive things to come in. With going back vegan, I know there will be some initial weight gain and it will fall off again. I have the faith for that. If I have faith for that, I can have faith that life will work itself out for me.

All we can do is listen to our inner voice. That voice knows what makes us happy or miserable. Why would we choose to be miserable? Don’t let fear stop you. 

Love and Happiness to you all ~ Roxy xx

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