You know me by now, honest to a default. I have no idea if this post is going to help anyone. I feel it is more of a post that may help me move on and may allow you the reader to feel less alone but there will not be pearls of wisdom everywhere.
From the ages of eight to twenty-three I was bullied on a regular basis (yes you think it would stop as an adult, but sadly that was not the case). Bullied for all the basic things, how I looked, the things I was into. Coming from a small village if you don’t like what is considered the “Norm” it is easier to be a target. It is why I have a love-hate relationship with the country side. I love nature, but people are so nosey. If you went to the bathroom they would nearly know if it was to pee or poo! Not a nice image but you know what I mean. Everyone needs to know everything. In the City you are a nameless face to a lot of people and they are so busy with their own life that they don’t care about yours. It’s great!
Logically I have matured and learned that when we are younger we are simply trying to fit in. Everyone is afraid of not being accepted. If someone is being bullied it can be easier to join in because if you stand up for them you could be next. As children we are going through puberty, hormones everywhere, we don’t know who we are. Home life may be difficult and because we don’t know how to process it and communicate our feelings we may act out and be a bully or we may go inwards and allow ourselves to be bullied. Bullies are not bad people. Only hurt people, hurt people. Forgiving them and moving on is all we can do. Learn to love ourselves and focus on the present and future. The issue I am facing is, I logically know all this but I have yet to emotionally catch up with it.
When I go back home to visit my Brother and the home house, I hate walking through the villages. I get very anxious. I don’t know where to look and I feel like I nearly have to apologise for being out in public. It is crazy. Most people don’t know who I am because I left for the City ten years ago and I hardly ever go back! People who bullied me don’t live there anymore. If they saw me now they wouldn’t care because it has been years and we all have different lives. It angers me that I still allow myself to feel like that young girl when I go back. When I post on here or any of my public pages, I have to put it out of my head that I know people from back home follow me. I need to say what needs to be said, post it and say “Fuck it”. I want my emotional side to catch up with my logical side. I am sick of being scared to enjoy going out when I go back home. I want to live there when I have children myself. What kind of Mother is scared to go to the shops? Our emotions can be funny old things. They say time heals all wounds. Maybe all I need is more time and to be less hard on myself. For now, expressing this has taken some weight off of me. Thank you all for listening.
Until next time. Take care everyone.
Love Roxy xxx