Walking home from the gym yesterday I found myself really “rocking out” to music. Mouthing the words, making faces and doing little air guitar moves. I was really in the zone, enjoying that moment in time. For a second I stopped and said to myself, “people will think I am nuts if I don’t stop this”. My next thought however was “why am I trying to stop myself from being happy”, I’m having fun and playing in this moment. Others will see and it gives them permission to be just as crazy and to enjoy their life. They might say to a friend that they saw a crazy lady bopping around but at least she was happy. Yes HAPPY!!. Do you know how long it has been since I was truly happy and free? About 20 years!
We grow up trying to “fit in”, be a part of the crowd rather than standing apart in our own uniqueness. We alter our behaviour and our thinking in one way or another to please others, because a part of human nature is that desire to fit in, to have a pack that has our back, but what price do we pay to have this, and is this really the best pack we could be part of? I always thought I loved horror movies and metal music, now I do but there not my favourite. I love fantasy movies. (Star Wars!) Music, total country and blues, with some rock thrown in. The Icelandic band Kaleo are my new love. Best thing since Buddy Holly!. The lead singer JJ Julius Son is extremely gifted. From guitar, to singing, to whistling. He is leading the way like Buddy Holly did with Rock and Roll!
I realised how I had lost myself for few years. Trying to be what others wanted me to be and not being true to who I am. Now I am being the real me and I FUCKING LOVE HER!. She’s awesome! To overcome the bullying and the difficult family upbringing I had, I learn to see things from others perspective. For ages I felt like I had to be understanding and accepting of others, even if they hurt me or did something I did not agree with. Now I have come to realise, I can understand them, but I don’t have to accept that behaviour. Example: I went to the Protest against Chechnya’s Gay Concentration Camp. Someone messaged me and said that there must be something wrong with me if I went to that because “gays are not normal people”, to which I replied “you are everything that is wrong with the world, BYE”. Before I would say I had to accept him because he probably has a dominate Father and can’t be a “Sissy Boy” or whatever and that may be true, but I don’t need to explain why going meant a lot to me, or why he should change his mind. So I didn’t wish him any harm, but I deleted him from my life cause that’s not energy I want in it. I don’t think I am a bitch for that any more. The pressure for me to be perfect and to accept everyone in the hopes people accept me is well and truly gone. I accept me, no one else needs to.
Another thing I’ve noticed is, that all the men coming into my life are younger. From people I am finding attractive to friends I am texting or meeting for tea. Before I needed love and approval from an outside source, from a Father figure and all the men in my life we four to ten years older. Now that I don’t need outside approval they seem to be three to six years younger and I know why, it ties into happiness and fun. Lightness and no pressure. Everything I had been missing in my life until now. Walking home listening to music I met the real me. A slightly crazy, air guitar playing, cat loving, energy drink addicted Cougar who will let you go if she feels you are bringing negativity into the life she’s finally made happy for herself! 🙂 x
(Picture is not my image. I tried to source the photographer but sadly couldn’t find out).