I can not tell you the amount of times I have written and rewritten all the blog posts for this week. Nothing I wrote seemed good enough.. Eating Disorder Recovery, Self Love and Positive thinking are all things I have struggled with my entire life and even today at times, but I have come a long way and I want to help others on their journey in recovery or better yet, help prevent them from ever having to go through it.
The biggest battle has been what angle to take? Statistics can be shocking but boring. Information can be void of emotion. All emotion can lack focus. I over think a lot. So finally I decided to tell it from my perspective. From what I have been through. So here goes nothing;
“What time is it? 4:25pm.. That means it has been 50 hours since I last had anything to eat. I am starving. I want food. If I have something small it will be okay, I can start fasting again. I wont though, will I? No. If I eat, I’ll keep eating. My fat face doesn’t know how to stop. If it did I’d already be skinny and I wouldn’t have to fast in the first place. Remember your reflection this morning. Those chipmunk cheeks, flabby arms, rolls of fat on your stomach and don’t even get me started on my thighs. I can’t afford to eat, if I eat I’ll have to purge and my heart is still sore from the last time. I don’t want to faint again. I guess I’ll just make tea. That’s warm, it’s like a meal, only it wont make me fat. Have to measure my milk though because those calories add up, the tea bag itself is 2 calories. Count it all. If you can make it through today, then tomorrow you can have 400 calories. That’s loads for a fatty like you. But ONLY if you don’t eat today”.
Hiding from friends and family. Lying about eating already. Throwing bread crumbs onto a plate and pretending I had a toasted sandwich. Covering up in baggy clothes so my weight loss was hidden. Perfecting how to vomit as silently as possible. This was my daily life. A life of anorexia with bulimic tendencies. I didn’t go out drinking, or to the cinema. I didn’t enjoy meals out with friends. I didn’t do anything where there was calories and people trying to stop me from being sick. Being sick was all I had in a world where I felt lost, alone and unloved.
You see, eating disorders are not about vanity. They are about control. Control in a world where nothing can be guaranteed. A sense of control when we don’t know what to do with our life. Not feeling loved by a family member. Moving for college and feeling like an outcast and not knowing how to fit in. We feel helpless and not good enough. But what is the one thing we can control? What we drink and eat. So that is what we turn to. Counting calories, tracking our weight and measurements. Reading about diets and watching weight loss shows. That is so much easier than facing our pain. Facing our insecurities. Learning to accept ourselves, our short comings and love ourselves regardless.
Hello. I am Roxy and I am a recovered anorexic.
Having an eating disorder is a mental illness but I’m not a deranged psychopath that is unhinged and out to get you. The looks I get when people find out and the uneducated questions I do my best to let slip by and not hurt me is quite astounding. How did I survive on so little? I had no other choice at the time. Every time I ate I would beat myself up. Telling myself how worthless and disgusting I was. When you hate on yourself to a high level it is easier to fast than hear those comments over and over again in your head. Why didn’t I “just eat more?”, well what a good question, silly me could just have ate more, there you go, all eating disorders are cured now with this genius realisation. Someone who suffers is actually afraid of food, like a phobia. When I did start eating more in recovery I cried over every meal. Knowing I had to eat it or I would die, but being so afraid of being fat, even though it wasn’t the weight gain I was afraid of but being worthless, unlovable and all those fears I did have but had pushed aside.
Having an eating disorder is nothing to be ashamed of. Struggling with something in life does not make you weak, it makes you human. You show even more strength by opening up and talking about it than you do suffering in silence. Over the next week, I want to share my journey. Discuss the role society and social media play. I want to raise awareness and knock misconceptions on the head and share with you how I recovered and how I now live a happy and healthy lifestyle. Until tomorrow, take care and remember to spread awareness ~ Love Roxy.