Learning to love and accept yourself is by far the hardest thing we ever have to do. The more you look inwards the more you learn how all your thoughts and behaviours have been programmed into you form childhood. Relationships with people played out all because of something you may have experienced when you were four years old. It is mental.
I have been reflecting a lot on my parents divorce and my unhappy memories from childhood over the last week. Feeling abandoned because I was too young to realise that my parents had their own issues and it wasn’t my fault. Years spent seeking love, approval and validation from all the wrong places. It has been one heck of a week. Someone I really care about ended up in hospital. I was going from bed to work, to the hospital and right back to bed again. I wasn’t sleeping or looking after myself. I was worried because there was nothing I could do to help. Even though worrying achieves nothing, You can’t help but worry about those you care for. So I did what I always do (at least I am aware of it when I am going through it) I worked myself right up into a frenzy until I went hell for leather in the gym yesterday, sweated more than ever, had my wee cry listening to YouTube videos and gathered myself back up again.
Today I was back in the gym and I was talking to this wonderful lady I met there. Both of us were having a stressful day yesterday, and today we were both able to share in the joy that we had gotten ourselves out of it. Then she turns to me and said how she was so happy to see me yesterday. That she was telling her friend all about me. She encouraged me to not stop writing (I tend not to post a lot because I don’t want to repeat myself and be boring, when in reality, we have to talk about issues over and over until we make sense of it all and can move forward). She told me how I do not need to have anyone in my life that does not believe in me. I told her to stop because I was going to cry. All my life I have blocked out compliments because it was too hard to accept them, when I did not love myself. Now I am starting to believe others, and it is a very emotional experience. I always knew I was worthy of love, but now I am starting to feel it.
If you have never lived on your own I highly recommend that you do. You need to be alone with your own thoughts. Your own doubts and insecurities. Once you know what they are, you can ask yourself why you have them, and then the healing journey begins. I fully believe that we do not have to find ourselves, we have to let go of the programming that is not true to who we are, but neuroticism we have picked up from other people when we were too young to process our own feelings and beliefs. What I love most about life is, we have all the power. We are our own creators. We choose the people we want to be around, the career we want, our ethics and morals. We can choose to be happy or miserable. Everything is up to us. All we have to do is realise this, think of the life we want and go get it. No one can stop us.
Today I don’t try to make everyone like me. I focus on the people who do care about me. I look around and see how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life. I am so thankful for my past, for as difficult as it was, I wouldn’t be the me, I love today without it. Nothing scares me anymore because I know whatever life throws at me, I can handle it.
Hugs and Love,
~ Roxy Xx