I simply wanted to share this moment of happiness with you, and the universe.
When writing these posts, I always try to think what will give you the reader the most benefit. I started this website to help others, it is why I became a Life Coach after all. To be that support I never got. What I have come to realise is, a well written post is not what is going to help others. There are millions of excellent written posts out there on every topic. What helps more than anything is sharing experiences. Sharing raw human emotions. Being vulnerable, being real.
So here I am sitting on my floor, laptop on a counter top. I have my music blasting and in between sentences I am singing and dancing along to the music like a lunatic! I am really happy in this moment. I feel free. I feel strong. I feel enough.
I am going to speak from my own experiences but I am sure there are a lot of you out there who can identify with me. Growing up I always looked for approval. From my family and from others. As a child seeking love and approval you learn how to behave to receive it. This makes Mommy happy, this makes Daddy mad or people will spend time with me if I do XYZ. You learn how to behave to receive this love because at that young age you are completely dependent on others for survival. When we grow up we can look after ourselves but by this time it is too late. We have these learned behaviours that can be toxic to our happiness. We become people pleasers. We look after everyone and neglect ourselves. We walk on eggshells in fear of losing people. People who take advantage of us. People who don’t respect us or love us in return. We think we are better off having someone who disrespects us than being alone. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Growing up in my household was very isolating. We did not have that loving family dynamic because we were not a happy family. I thought the problem was me. I wasn’t enough to make my parents happy. I wasn’t smart enough or funny enough to have friends. I wasn’t pretty enough for a boy to like me. I got into abusive relationships and I had friends who treated me poorly. I developed a drinking problem and anorexia. I spent three years in counselling, growing but always living in the past. Always using the past to hurt myself in the now. Two months ago I gave up counselling because I needed to live in the now.
Right now I realise just how far I have come. How free and how happy I feel. I know that everyone can feel this way. I know everyone has the power within them to release the chains that are weighing them down. There is no great secret to happiness that we need to learn. In fact there is nothing to learn, but there is everything to unlearn. You were born free and happy, you were then conditioned into thinking that for whatever reason you are not enough, but the simple fact that you exist means you are enough. You are light, love and happiness. You are everything you seek.
In the last year I have gotten rid of every toxic relationship I had. Everyone I allow into my circle now enriches my life in some way, and I know that I enrich their life too. Even if someone doesn’t like me, I can accept their faulty perception of me. I have no right to control how others see me. I acknowledge people can see me in a light that is not true. I know who I am, and it took twenty eight years, but I finally love me. I sit here knowing that nothing anyone says or thinks of me can ever manipulate me again. I need no ones approval but my own, I need no ones acceptance or love but my own. And I have it.
I am achieving my goals. I have good people in my life and I have self love. I am so happy. I am the me, I always knew I was.
I love you all. I hope you love yourself too.
~ Roxy Xx